i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
