he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
