I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
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okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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