UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
