Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
