just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
