he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
