Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
