Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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