i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
