so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
