The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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