they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
