So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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