Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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