She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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