I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
