my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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