I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
