Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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