At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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