ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
