i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
