I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
