Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
