Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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