I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
