Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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