Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
