sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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