Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
