I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
