people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
