i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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