I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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