it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He has the fingertips of a God
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