when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
