So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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