nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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