If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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