I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
