I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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