wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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