I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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