I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
