I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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