I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
