lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
