My friends, they love my intelligence
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
