he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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