Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
