I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
