I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
