shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
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he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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