also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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