party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
pop tarts are not kleenex
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
