I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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