Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
