Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
