just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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