I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
