How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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